Dear Asalah,
I’m a first-time coach. I coach 9 and 10 year olds for Little League baseball, and I have this kid that if I’m honest, I can’t stand to see coming. I’ll call him Carter. Carter makes everything about my job harder, and since I’m new to doing this, it’s a hassle I don’t need.
The kids on our team are mostly new to baseball and are still learning the basics. Teaching skills is what I like to do. It’s what I signed up for. What I did not sign up for was a kid who is defiant and doesn’t want to be here.
He comes to practice like it’s some kind of punishment, and when he’s here he doesn’t follow directions. I have to tell him the same things over and over again because he does not listen.
I say “Carter, you’re holding your glove wrong. Hold it this way,” and he yells back, “I am doing it right!” He can’t stand to be corrected. The more I try to tell him what to do, the more he spins out of control. He gets to the point that I have to sit him over in the dugout until he calms down. He disrupts the whole practice, and his behavior hurts other players’ ability to get better at baseball.
His teammates are tired of it too. They call his name more than I do. They’re frustrated when balls drop right in front of him or if he’s playing around during practice. The more they call his name, the madder he gets.
I know he’s young for our team; he just turned eight, but there’s no excuse for his behavior. He should be able to control his actions. That’s not what he thinks though. When I tell him to be better, to do better, he says, “I can’t.”
Carter keeps saying that he can’t control his behavior, and he can’t play baseball, but sometimes at the end of practice he’ll ask me
“Did I do good today, coach?”
What am I supposed to say to that? What’s good when he’s acting up at every practice?
I can’t deal with his behavior. Honestly, it’s just easier when he’s not here.
“I Can’t” in Atlanta, GA
Dear “I Can’t,”
I hear the frustration, but before I address the situation that’s causing it, I first want to thank you for being a coach. It’s unpaid work that takes skill, time and effort. You have to deal with plenty of personalities: players, parents, people in your organization. It takes a lot to get to the thing most folks care about: winning games.
For me, I focus less on the wins and losses. Those change from season to season. What stays is the impact on kids by being part of a team and by having productive uses of their time. Those benefits happen with youth sports. And coaches make youth sports possible. So thank you.
And now for the situation with Carter. It sounds like he’s having a really hard time. What strikes me is one of the last things you said. He keeps asking you, “Did I do good today, Coach?” I hear in that question a hunger for affirmation, a need to be told that he is good; that he is valued; that he is wanted.
Kids are more astute than we realize. They know when they are not wanted. You mentioned dreading to see him come to practice. Unless a conscious effort is made to welcome him, that feeling is easy for him to sense.
His behavior no doubt makes him more challenging to deal with. Whatever training you got as a coach likely leaves you still feeling ill-equipped. At eight years old, he is also in terms of his physical skills developmentally behind the other kids on the team. He knows that because kids are paying attention to what their peers are doing and considering how they measure up. If he wasn’t sure, them continually yelling at him and telling him what he is doing wrong would leave no doubt about how he stacks up.
Him asking “Did I do good today, coach?” suggests to me that he is trying, but his efforts are not showing up with results that are as good as his peers. And that frustrates him.
His emotional regulation is poor, and it’s showing up in tantrums and in the need for timeouts. I have dealt with parents who see that behavior as disrespect that can best be handled with a switch or a belt. Having a child quieted because you are a superior physical force represses their feelings and engenders fear or anger, but it doesn’t teach them how to deal with their emotions in a productive way. It’s a short-term solution that leads to long-term problems.
A better solution takes time and patience. Using it can be life-changing, for Carter and for you. Here’s what I suggest:
- Talk to his parents about the challenges you’re having. Your goal is to find out what might be causing Carter’s behavior in baseball and how it compares to his behavior in school, at home and in other social situations. In particular, find out what Carter is good at and where his behavior seems to be the best.
- Work with Carter and his parents for him to identify signs of his heightened emotion. Give him techniques to verbalize how he’s feeling and to calm down.
- Partner with Carter and his parents to set one or two goals for the season. Carter has a lot to learn. He’ll feel defeated if he expects himself to learn all of it. If he has two things though, he can see the success more readily and feel good about the progress he’s making.
- Establish a team culture where peer criticism is not allowed. The only voices kids should hear correcting them is yours and the other coaches.
- Greet Carter and every team member with enthusiasm when they arrive. It establishes a positive and connected culture. You might even think about circling up at the beginning of practice and having a cheer: “Hey Carter Williams, we’re glad you’re here. Let’s have a good practice so we can cheer.” It helps team members learn each other’s names and sets up the expectation that good things will happen in practice, giving a reason to celebrate.
- Circle up at the end of practice and have the team tell each other the good things they saw each other doing. Everybody has to say something and every team member gets a positive comment. A compliment from a peer goes a long way.
Will these six things magically fix Carter’s behavior? No. Learning emotional regulation takes time. A key part to minimizing outbursts is avoiding their triggers. Another key piece is having coping mechanisms.
Should Carter’s outbursts disrupt practice and cause other players to learn less or have a worse experience? No. Families have invested in being on a baseball team. Their kids should get that experience. If there’s not an assistant coach who can help you manage this process, see if there is a parent volunteer willing to help. This process is about accountability not enablement. The goal is Carter exercising self-control and working productively as part of a team.
As a coach you have a sacred responsibility. Young people bring their skills and their dreams to you and you help them figure out what they can do with them. You guide them to “I Can,” and “I Am.”
